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it's been a long time......

ducks19
Wow, its been almost two years since I last posted here. I’m still broke, still boyfriendless and still hate my job/career, that hasn’t changed. Biggest thing has been my mother’s passing. I’ve mentioned it here before, how she’s been so sickly for years, so to finally have her at peace is a blessing. Truth be told, she checked out on life a long time ago. Not that I blame her, she’s had a difficult life with more sickness and hardship than one person should have to bear. She’s been wishing for this for a long time, it’s what she wanted most, so for that I’m happy. It helps me get through the days, most of the time anyway, knowing she’s finally happy. Sucks for me, but for the best for her. I deal with it well most days, its little things that get me upset. Hearing a song she like, seeing something she liked to eat when I’m at the supermarket, things like that are what set me off. But mostly, I function pretty well day to day, emotionally speaking. I never, ever considered my mother a burden, but it IS kind of nice not having to worry about anyone but myself for a change. She never stopped me from doing anything, going anywhere, but it was always in the back of my mind, worrying what would be happening with her when I wasn’t around to keep an eye on things. I’m still getting used to that freedom, if you can call it that.


Since she’s been gone, I’ve been beating myself up over what to do with our house. I never wanted her to sell it when I was younger because it was going to be my future source of income, someplace I could rent out for money. Over the course of the years, things started to deteriorate and the place needs a LOT of work. A lot more work than I am physically, emotionally and financially capable of putting into it. And there is part of me that doesn’t want to stay here anymore. I’ve lived here my entire life, never went away to school, this is the only home I’ve ever known. I want to move, need to move. When I was younger, I never thought twice about staying here once Mom was gone. Now, I can’t stand being home. Part of the reason I think I’m “handling” her passing well is that I’ve really done nothing with the house. We live in a two family house, I’m on the second floor and she was on the first. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to her place two hands since she’s passed. I can’t be there. Everything is literally just how she left it: she went to the doctor’s office when day and never came home. I’m down there for 5 mins and I start to cry. I have no idea how or when I’ll be able to go through her things to be able to sell the house or even to rent it if it came to that. So maybe I’m not doing as well as I think I am. I deal with things by avoidance, and I guess this is no different. Things HAVE to change, though, and soon. Hurricane Irene came did a lot of damage. Not nearly as much as some people have had to endure but more than I was equipped to handle. Repairs and cleanup basically wiped out the little bit of her life insurance I had left. Bills are adding up and there’s still so much to do. I have to get out, I know this, but I have no idea even where I want to go. Never anything I gave a lot of thought to and now that the time has come, I’m overwhelmed with the possibilities and options. It’s TOO much to think about, the complete opposite of feeling locked into a situation, which is what I had before. I guess it’s no surprise that I’m a piss poor planner. Add that to my list of character flaws. I feel selfish for even thinking about giving up the house. This is the house my mother grew up in, the house she made herself sick worrying about. What right do I have to dump it the first chance I get? She kept it for me, and I feel like I’m just throwing it away. I’m a terrible, terrible person.


And during the midst of all this, I’ve met a guy. An amazing guy. Sweet, kind, gentle and sarcastic and funny as all get out. We’re still in the early stages of feeling things out but I know, I can feel, I want to try and pursue things with him. I also know that I have no right to be feeling like this. I just lost my mother, I’m still grieving. He makes me happy and what right to I have to be happy. My life is a shambles right now, what makes me thing attempting to start a relationship is a GOOD idea? I haven’t dated a lot in my life, relationships non-existent, why should I start looking for anything now of all times. Part of me thinks maybe I’m just needy and lonely and I’m latching onto him. The other part of me recognizes me doing this and thinks I’m just using it as an excuse to avoid something that could be real. There’s that whole avoidance business again. I’m not very experienced, I don’t have many feminine instincts, but every one of them is screaming at me that this is something worth pursuing, even if nothing comes of it, I have to see it through. He has his own issues. He has elderly parents that require his attention, as well as his own business in addition to working a real job. He also has a son, which he has joint custody of. He may not have much to offer me, and at the moment, I might not be capable of taking much from him anyway. Capricorns like me have a terrible trait of overanalyzing things and fretting about things they cannot control. This is one of those situations for me. I’m second guessing my own motives, along with his intentions but yet I keep coming back to the same conclusion: this is what I want. I don’t know how things will turn out with my house, my job, or where I will live but I DO know that getting to know him, maybe starting a relationship with him, is something I want with every fiber of my being. And if it’s not him that I really want, maybe this is finally a sign that I’m ready to be with someone. For real, and not just fantasizing. Again, my mother never held me back from anything. Maybe I used her as an excuse to avoid life but that’s not an option anymore. The only person I have to answer for now is me. I try live my life in a way that would make her proud, I try to think of what she would do in a certain situation. And I think she would be proud of this decision, at least.

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ok....

ducks19
so real life is awful right now, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so what shall I do?? (aside from eating myself to death) Complain about nonsense, that's what.

Soooooooo what's with the glut of writers on 2mins that post 34283904290384283490824908 3 paragraph "chapters" Where did the good writers go?

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Nov. 24th, 2009

ducks19
You know how sometimes people on your friends-list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.



1. First Name:
Camille....which I absolutely hate and won't answer to anyone but my mother. If you're my friend, you know better to call me that. My parents named me after my Godmother, who's an old maid. I've quite a legacy to live up to. =/ Call me Cammy, please.

2. Age:
soon to be, gasp, 38.

3. Location:
Northern New Jersey. Up until a few years ago, I absolutely hated being here. While I still need to get away often, I can't REALLY imagine living anywhere else (except maybe another part of NJ) I love Northern Virginia and Massachusetts but no where else compares to here. We've got NYC 15 mins away, the shore an hour away, the mountains an hour away. Philly is two hours or so. There are a billion hockey teams within driving distance from here and more shopping than I know what the hell to do with. Pretty much perfect. Except people cant drive and taxes suck.

4. Occupation:
Medical billing and collections. Which is as awful and boring as it sounds. But I've been doing it for 15 years, it's what I know and the pay is decent. Not very fulfilling, though. What I really want to do is work in the travel industry, I actually went to school to be a travel agent right out of high school. No one told me the pay sucks and it's virtually impossible to get hired unless you have a clientele. I was briefly hired to work for an airline but the airline went bankrupt while I was still training.

5. Partner?:
none....it the curse of the Old Maid

6. Kids:
None yet, unless you count my cats! When I was younger, I wanted nothing to do with having children. Now, the older I get the more I want them and the less likely it seems to happen

7. Brothers/Sisters:
I have an older brother, Robert, but he passed away when I was 21.

8. Pets:
I have 5 cats! Technically though, only 2 live with me. Milo and Gordon were a "present" from my roommate when she still lived with me. When she moved in we decided we wanted a kitten since she's never had a cat before. Except one day, she came home with the boys saying that one of her friends from work had to get rid of them because she just had a baby (lamest excuse ever for getting rid of an animal) they were about 2 years old and I've had them for 10 years now, they stayed with me when my roommate moved out and went to FL.

My other 3 cats live with my mom (we live in a two family house, she's downstairs and I'm upstairs) Templeton is my baby boy, I got him in 1994. He's old and crotchety now but he's still my love. When that cat's time comes, I'm seriously going to need therapy. my other two are Peyton and Sidney, two sisters I acquired at 4 week olds after their mother suddenly died. They started out sickly but are little monsters now!


9. List 3-5 biggest things going on in your life right now:
Number one and most important is my mom. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks in heart and kidney failure and yesterday got moved into an acute care center for rehabilitation. My mother is a very sickly person, has been for as long as I can remember. She's really having a rough time of it. She's almost 80, so I guess at this point she's doing as well as can be expected. I dont really have anything else going on since all my time is taken up with her. Work sucks, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

10. Parents:
My mom is my best friend. We were always close but became more so after my brother passed away. My father passed away when I was thirteen so we are the only family each other has. It pisses me off when I hear people talk about how they "hate" their parents for doing parental things. I've pretty much been on my own since I was thirteen (my mom worked nights as a nurse so our time together was pretty limited until she retired) and it's not fun. Don't wish your parents away, they'll be gone far too soon anyway.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?:
I've actually drifted from my best friend over the years and tho we are still very close, our relationship isn't the same as when we were younger. My friends fulfill specific needs.. Shelley is the one I go to for advice, Cyndi I get to be the goofy puckbunny with, Meredith is who I vent to and Fatima is my mental stimulation. She's always up for a good debate. I love them all dearly but I cant say I'm closer to one than another.

oh lookit that

ducks19
The Ducks lost. Should have seen that coming. I knew my celebration was a bit premature. Whatever. They played a good game against OMGTHEBESTTEAMINTHELEAGUEOMG and almost got the win. Baby steps, kids, baby steps.

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Ain't that some shit....

ducks19
Whit scored a goal. AND the Ducks are winning. It may be premature, but I believe a celebration is in order...



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I'm totally psychic!!!

blah
I KNEW this Pens/Ducks was gonna suck. I knew it the day the schedule was released. I thought to myself "this is going to go badly." I knew the Ducks would lose, that Whit would be awful and everyone would laugh at him and I would hate the world. It was written in the stars. Cause if there is one person that God hates more than me, it's Whit. What a big, fat FAIL of a game.

This shouldn't surprise me in the least. I was kinda hoping things would go differently this time. Things always seem to go according to script when it comes to ruining my day tho. A little respite from the horror of my life would have been nice. With mom in the hospital not doing well, my house falling down around my ears and being busted broke, someone could have thrown me a freakin bone. Guess asking for a decent game from my favorite player was asking too much. I'll set my sights lower next time.

/emo post

24 years later....

ducks19


Memories to save | Portland Press Herald


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this still breaks my heart. I was SHATTERED when it happened. I cried for weeks. I didn't eat, wouldn't go to school, barely slept. It was a nightmare. I remember the day I found out perfectly, can tell you every detail of it, the weather, who I was with, what we were doing, hell even what we were all WEARING. Scarred. For. Life. I still beat myself up for missing his last game. It was one of the few Flyers games my cable company picked up and I wanted to watch it so badly, but I let myself get talked into going to a movie. A God-awful Matt Dillon movie. I never liked Matt Dillon, what the hell possessed me to agree to go I'll never understand. I could have had one last game. It just made losing him seem even worse. I'll never forget sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner (wagon wheel shaped pasta and sauce) and hearing the TV my father was listening to in the living room talking about him. I ran in there to see what they were talking about and the only part of the story I heard was "...from injuries sustained in a car accident. He was 26" I said to my Dad "Is he dead" and my fathers only response was a nod. And flipping lost it. Ran wailing through the house, locked myself in the bathroom for hours and bawled until I puked. Scarred. For. Life. I adored that man, he was my hero, and the first person I "loved" that I ever lost. He was my education in dealing with death. I let the anniversary slip my mind this year, but I still don't think I'm over it. Found some old vids awhile back the Flyers posted on their site about him and made the mistake of watching...hearing his voice after all this time left me shaken for days. And the coverage of the memorial ceremony they had for him prior to the first game the Flyers played after his death had me sobbing. I've seen that footage a thousand times and it somehow never gets easier. It's such a sad, disgusting shame. So much talent. So much personality. Such a wonderful person. His name would have been right up there with Roy and Brodeur. It would have been his records they were trying to catch. I'm so glad he's still remembered in some circles, it was so long ago and people's memories are short. If I ever get to Sweden, I'm going to visit his grave. Maybe then I can some closure.

A few thoughts on tonights game...

ducks19
1.  I hate Devils fans with the fire of 1000000000000000000000000 suns.  Except the two nice ones that let me get to the rail after the game to get my jersey signed.  The rest of the approximately one billion other people that were waiting for the Ducks and generally being obnoxious can light themselves on fire and jump off a cliff.  Go harass your own fucking team, thanks.

2. I love Ryan Whitney more than is healthy. Not really much more to add to that thought.  He brings out my maternal, overprotective side.  Sue me.

Cyndi got some great pics that she better upload, like, the second she gets home.  She got one of Jonas Hiller eating a slice of pizza and signing at the same time.  Hilarious.  Nothing really to state about the game other than it sucked.  There was really no bright spots.  Individuals made some great plays but as a team they weren't clicking on any level.  Not really sure how much of it was their ineptitude or the Devils just smothering them to death.  Any time you can go 0-6 on the PP, something isn't working.  And it had been so good lately.  Sigh. I hate the thought of this being my last Ducks game of the season...even if they had won it would suck but having it end this was is just awful.

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An Open Letter.....

ducks19
To All The Autograph Hounds That Hang Out At The Rock That Push And Shove People Out Of The Way Just To Get Whatever Memorabilia You Have Signed Only To Turn Around And Sell It On Ebay (And Trash Every Player After They Walk Away From You):

If any of you degenerates even THINKS about trying to get between me and Ryan Whitney, I will slit your throat, drain your blood, and use you for a Pez dispenser.  Not even joking....

Have a pleasant evening!!!


PS. Please keep a copy of this letter for your reference to use when the Chicago Blackhawks come to town in March, substituting the "Ryan Whitney" for "Adam Burish"

Thank you
ducks19
Dearest Whit,

Please don't embarrass yourself. 

Love you,
Cam 

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